Chris (snuglies87) wrote,

I know it's not like anyone is still reading this but I just feel like writing right now...and I'm honestly too lazy to write it all down in my real diary ;)

nnnThe other day I wrote an entry but I more or less fell asleep while writing.I shut the notebook down without posting nor deleting the entry.And now I'm back here and Livejournal saved everything I wrote the last  time...which is quite funny really cos I obviously kept writing even tho I was almost asleep.
I suppose you can figure out yourself how much sense the sentences I wrote might make haha
But on the other hand it's pretty interesting to see what's your mind up to,seriously.Because the last 3 sentences I wrote were all about Robert Enke,somehow at least.
During the last few days I've been reading the new book / biography about him...and my mind is like a 100% captivated by this book.Tho "captivated" kinda sounds like a too positive expression I guess :/
I only just finished the book a couple of hours ago and to be honest,I kind of didn't want it to come to an end.
Because instead of other books,this one won't have a sequel.
Coming to it's end meant reliving the day of his death.
Realising once more that he's gone.Forever...just because of this stupid damn disease.Depression.

Of course I already knew before reading the book that depression is a disease but I never realised what it really meant.
It affects your brain functions.You havn't even got a chance to see things in a positive,in a better way even if you'd want to.
It won't let you be the person you usually are.It makes you behave in an odd way.
And thinking about suicide doens't really mean thinking about death itself.You just think about getting rid of the depression...and if death is the only way...
I can't even image was Robert must have felt like.
He had Terri,who is such a strong and amazing woman.
He had Leila,who is a real beauty & who lighted up his lifes just by being there,being a healthy child.
He had Marco & Jörg,who were his best friends.Who tried to help him in every way you could think of.
He had Hanno,Ronald,Valentin,Witti and so many more people who knew.And who tried their best to help him.To keep his secret.To be there for him even tho that wasn't an easy task at times.
But it obviously wasn't enough for Robert.
I can't imagine how bad the depression must have been,how low and fragile he must have felt to go this one last step.
To leave it all behind...

To be honest I've never been the biggest of all Robert Enke supporter.
Not at all I must say...unfortunately.
Because by now it kinda makes me feel bad as I kinda thought low of him.I thought he was odd at times.
I only met him once during a training camp of the national squad back in 2007 and he was just behaving in a strange way.I couldn't tell you why exactly I had that feeling but it just seemed like he felt persecuted,like he was hounded and anxious.
He wasn't depressive back then.
It might have been because of Laras death which had only happened a little bit more than half a year ago at that point.
I don't know,I never will...
But a I said before, I somehow feel bad about the way I thought about Enkus :/
It's not like thinking in any other way would have helped him.And it's not like he knew about me nor my oppinion about him.
Still while reading the book you start to see things in a different light.
And I honestly felt helpless at times and even had to stop reading every now and then.Because I had to cry.Because the things I just read were too much,too strong,too painful to read.
You know exactly how Robs story will end but still you're hoping for an happy end...
Because he deserved so much more.
You see him being all happy in Lisbon but it get's all destroyed.He moves on to Barca but never get's happy there at all...and the first depression comes along.
And as hard as it might sound.But I can't help blaming Louis van Gaal.I mean,I don't really really really think if things would have went in another,a better way in Barcelona that the depression might have never got Robert.But I just can't stop thinking that things would have gone in another direction...with a better ending.
Sure,there were more situation in his life which might have caused the depression but Barcelona definitely was one of THESE moments if you ask me...

Now that I'm done with the book I actually would like to start reading it again.Cos if I keep reading about him Robert is still there somehow...I guess because his day of death is approaching in almost 3 weeks for the first time it's even harder...

Well I actually didn't intend to write that much about Robert and the book but I suppose I just had to get it all off my mind.
There were actually some more things I wanted to tell you about but by now I'm pretty exhausted.

Anyway let's see.
I quit work last week! Yes I seriously did.I'm just not really happy there anymore.Of course there are a good few people with whom I enjoy working and I really,really adore some of them.But if the rest doesn't feel right anymore the people are just not enough reason for me to stay. So yeah,I quit and I'll leave December 1st.The whole of December will be like,let's say,my holiday?! Well I won't look for a job for that month as I just need some time off plus there's soooo much happening during that time!
At least 2 handball matches.I'm going to London for 4 days with my little brother.I'm going to Hamburg (at least once so far) see handball of course,right! I'm probably going to see the VfL Bochum play with my dad.My bestie is coming over from Ireland to celebrate New Years.I'm moooost probably going down south to Baden Baden to visit Gerrit (omg I so can't wait.I just need to know what's up between us.Writing mails and text messages is fine.But I can hardly ask him what he feels for me.It really is my luck again that he had to move there to study just 3 days after we met...).Well yeah,I actually feel like there are going to be some more dates in December but I just cant seem to remember right now...dont blame me.It's 5.21am right now!


Tags: football, my life
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic
    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.